This weeks topic is Fear
My father installed fear in me. Iím not really sure how he did, but he did just the same. He had a way about him that you didnít argue with. And being as afraid of conflicts as I am Ė also thanks to my father I guess Ė I certainly wasnít the one to argue with him. He could say anything, and I would agree. He had a way to manipulate me and give me a really bad conscience if I didnít help him immediately.
ďOkay, if you canít, you canít. I have to do it myself then, and Iíll probably get a heart attac, fall over and die right there on the floor, but donít feel bad. You have other plans.Ē
How do you argue with that when you are young and the death of your parents is what you fear the most?
I always ended up dropping anything at hand to go help him whenever he called out. And I continued doing that til he past away. Have you ever had the feeling of being on a lifelong guilt trip? I have. Itís not a nice feeling. Not nice at all. And it didnít end until he died. Iím almost ashamed to say it, but Iím actually happy he finally past away. I know itís not something you should say. But after his passing my life started. It has now been five years, but Iím still not where I want to be, where I should be, feeling the way I ought to. I can still hear his voice inside my head, dictating me, giving me ďadviceĒ that felt more like orders. Placing the guilt, fear, lack of self-esteem in me. Growing up like that for almost 30 years itís not easily turned around. And even though itís been five years, I still donít have full control over my life.
I have a hard time saying ďNOĒ and almost bend over backwards to please others. And by doing so, killing myself little by little, every time. My father made me a ďscared of conflicts, people pleaserĒ. Not the legacy I would have choosen had I been give the opportunity to decide.
Dad is always dad, and I will always love him, but he had the personality of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You could feel what mood he was in when opening the door. The tension was sometimes so thick you could touch it. Those times I just said ďHello, how are you?Ē hoping he wouldnít give a hour long lecture what was wrong with him, you, the world, so you could leave as soon as possible. That tension gave a destinct feeling of unease. It was almost scary. Waiting for him to end his speach on everything wrong, I most of the times let my mind wander, while holding a washcloth or something of the sorts in my hand trying to tidy up a bit in his rather unorganized and dirty home. Just making sounds now and then to let him think I was paying attention to him and what he was on about.
ďYou always ask for help with money, driving you to somewhere or something else, and your brother is the same way. Your sister never visits. I donít understand. I have never done anything wrong. Never done anything to hurt you. Still, you do that to me...Ē On, and on, he went. And I nodded and said ďMm...Ē now and then. I had heard that speach over and over and knew it by heart. It changed slightly depending on who he had talked to last, and if my brother had said ďnoĒ to him, as he seemed to be the only one with the balls to stand up for himself against my father. He could easily make you go insane, and I bet he did that to me Ė make me insane. Perhaps that is why I am the way I am. I didnít feel like I was entitled to feeling, thoughts or the power of words with him. I was supposed to be his little ray of sunshine all the time, not talk back to him. For years I thought I was just fine, that this was who I was, but underneath the depression was growing stronger and stronger, but not being allowed to show that either I became an expert at hiding and putting up a facade.
Everything evolves around fear. Fear of myself, of what people will think, fear of succeeding, fear of failing, fear of Life.
Every child had a deep longing for the parent to be there as a human being not as a role - no matter how conscientiously that role is being played.
This weeks topic is Anger...
Why does this feeling consume all energy, why do it take away focus from everything else, why do the body react to it in all kinds of strange ways?
This past week I have been consumed by Anger and it's friend Sadness and for no apparent reason. Why do they go hand in hand, like best friends and why have they totally taken over my life now?
It feels like something evil is feeding on me... Yes! That is exactly what it feels like - like some alien life form is feeding on me, my feelings, emotions and my energy. Totally draining me from everything. And let me tell you - I don't care for it all that much!
So, my battle within has to start with Anger and Sadness. My new "friends" that feels like a friend that comes by all the time and don't know when it's time to go home. Recognize the feeling?
I would like to know where this anger stams from, is it something I always have in me, is it something the enviroment brings on and out or is it perhaps hereditary? If the latter one I would rather have gotten another legacy from my father, to be honest.
If I knew the reason to these feelings it wouldn't be so bad, cause then I could do something about it, but as it is now, I just woke up one day and was angry with myself, with the world, didn't feel like anything but crying (and there we have the "friend" Sadness). Unfortunately this does not only effect me, it also effects everyone around me.
Of all the emotions we have anger has to be the most time and energy consuming one. I would like to evict this "alien" that took over my body, pass it on to someone else and that by next week this annoying feeling has been replaced by a more pleasant one!